Two years ago, soon-to-be Rumpus graduates initiated the illustrious journalistic tradition, “Things I Will Not Miss about Yale.” Following in the footsteps of the incomparable Reese Faust and Phoebe Hinton, I leave you with my own list, the result of at least thirty minutes’ drunken reflection and a brief review of old Facebook photos. I Will Not Miss:
1. Rudy’s Karaoke. Once upon a time, singing at Rudy’s was a pleasant experience to such a degree that I would occasionally even go by myself (not #swug, but #swag). Recently, however, the DJ has fallen under the impression that he is a judge on NBC’s “The Voice” and has started stopping me from singing mid-song. Once, when my friend asked him if he’d intentionally cut me off, the DJ claimed the machine was “broken.” Luckily for everyone involved, the machine seemed to be working fine one minute later. Fuck you, Rudy’s Karaoke DJ. I will not miss you.
2. Sororities. Though I admit that sororities at Yale are the cream of the crop, way more serious than they are state schools (lol), they still hold no place in my heart. I especially lament the fact that sorority girls travel in packs, because after a Pi Phi-Law School mixer or whatever is this week’s “funnest” party, they’ll walk into Toad’s, thereby dropping the odds of my going home with someone by 100. Give a girl a chance, sisters!
3. Hook Up Culture. Enough said.
4. People Who Hate the Hook Up Culture: When life hands you lemons, DFMO. Instead of bemoaning every Yale man’s utter lack of humanity and/or feelings, look on the bright side! Hookup challenges take something kind of depressing and make it fun. Hence: the Seven Year Club, the Residential College Challenge, and Rumpus’ Hookup Bingo. If you have not made some sort of effort to accomplish one of the three, it’s time to re-evaluate your life choices. People who don’t fill out Rumpus Hookup Bingo, I will not miss you.
5. Society Talk. Blatant name-dropping of one’s own membership is nauseating, transparent, and awkward for everyone involved. Letting everyone within a 6-mile radius know that you’re in a “landed” society isn’t fooling anyone into thinking you’re now best friends with the ten people you’re sitting next to at the Dramat show or that kid who you hadn’t talked to since you borrowed his saline solution during FOOT.
6. Getting kicked out of Sig Chi. This has happened to me three or four times, and though I wasn’t officially kicked out, it was strongly suggested to me that I leave. This was both humiliating and depressing. My advice to you is this: if you ever feel like you are about to get kicked out of a frat, just try not to cry. And then leave as quickly and as quietly as you can. Do not scream “I WANT TO STAYYYY” (like I…someone close to me…once did)—this will make people think you’re weird.
7. Not knowing whether or not to say hi to someone sober that you are only friends with when you’re drunk.
Because I’m a little sentimental, here are some Things I Will Miss about Yale:
1. Steven Berry. My mom once told him I had a crush on him (true story)….call me maybe?
2. Being told “You should probably get off of the couch.”
3. Eskimo Sisters. This one is along the lines of the “make the best of a bad situation” mantra that was the residential college challenge. Trying to gain Eskimo Sisters is another fun way to make Toad’s less painful. It turns Toad’s into less of a, “omg I need to DFMO someone” thing, and more of a “Let’s DFMO the SAME person!!!” thing. Now, becoming Eskimo Sisters with your ten closest friends is easier said than done, and I’m not in any way endorsing hitting on your best friend’s ex—so gather the troops and find somebody else’s ex.
4. SAE Late Night. I include this frat scene mainstay despite the fact that my first attempt to crash the “party” that is SAE Late Night resulted in my being told by one of the brothers that I couldn’t get in because “you can’t wear themed clothes to a party that’s not themed.” FYI, hipster-hating asshole, I was wearing normal clothes and black glasses. But I still love this place. Where else can you see eleven guys simultaneously pee on the same fence (so manly!) and then at 2 a.m. watch a bunch of angry DKE brothers perform a striptease to the song “Rude Boy.” Such a classic Yale experience—one that is best enjoyed while intensely intoxicated. (Pretentious attire recommended.)
5. Underclassmen. These are the people who still get excited by Box, who can’t say no (take note, DKE), and who don’t judge you for going to Est Est Est AND Insomnia Cookies in one night. I spent most of October asking myself, “Why are all my friends freshmen?!” until I realized: freshmen are fucking awesome. Whoever invented the word sophomoric is my mortal enemy because I love sophomores too.