Rumpus Endorses YCC Candidates

Posted on April 11, 2011 by Alex Goel

President: Tie between Brandon Levin (DC ’13) and Rustin Fakheri (BR’ 12)

Why Brandon Levin: Brandon Levin fulfills the two central criteria for a great YCC president in that he is both attractive and popular. However, he has also run one of the impressive campaigns in Yale history. Although candidates were not allowed to publicly campaign until last Thursday, Brandon’s classmates insist that he began his campaign on the third day of Camp Yale 2009 when he started shaking hands and making friends with people who he may or may not have actually liked. The following September, Brandon took his campaign online, sending vote requests friend requests on Facebook to every single freshman on campus. He now has 2539* Facebook friends, and he has never forgotten to say please vote for me happy birthday to any of them. This means he sends seven birthday wishes a day. If that’s not a seamless campaign strategy then we’re not sure what is.                                                                                                                                           *by the time you finish reading this article Brandon Levin will have 2544 friends.

Why Rustin Fakheri: Rumpus is friends with Rustin. Rustin in the beating heart of YCC. No one is determined like Rustin. __________________________________________________________________    Treasurer: Eric Eliasson BK’14

Why Eric Eliasson: Eric is the only candidate for Treasurer to be nominated for 50 Most Beautiful. Rumpus only wants what is best for the school.

<——-Can we please have our hat back.

 

 

Why not Cece Xie: Although we love CeCe’s poster                     (http://www.facebook.com/cece.xie), we’re concerned she actually stole her puns from Rumpus’s 1999 campaign for Treasurer of our 5th grade class. You be the judge:  ————>

Why not Kwabena Boateng: As a campus feminist, Rumpus questions the appropriateness of Kwabena’s campaign poster(see below), in which he directly compares female body parts to swine. Don’t worry, we have already submitted this image to the Title IX Investigation Committee.

Why not Archit Sheth-Shah: Rumpus learned a long time ago not to trust people with hyphenated names. For more on this topic see: Jean-Paul Sarte, Maddox Jolie-Pitt, O-Town.                                                                                                                                  ______________________________________________________________ Events Director: Katie Donley ES’13

Why not James Campbell: James Campbell was in charge of the Spring Fling committee that tricked Rumpus into thinking Michelle Branch was coming to campus. We’re not really sure what would lead someone to break the hearts of 4,000 students in a span of three hours but if you see James, please ask him. Also ask him if he can refund the $800 we spent on plane tickets to New Haven for our parents so they could see their favorite female pop artist live at Yale.                                                                                              _____________________________________________________________ Vice President: Omar Njie SM’13

Why Omar Njie: Omar once delivered a baby in Africa. The parents later named their child Omar in his honor. Rumpus also delivered a baby once, except it was in Canada, and the parents didn’t name him Rumpus. They named him Justin. (<3 you Biebs).

Why not Kat Lau: Ms. Lau is currently dating James Campbell. I think we’ve already voiced our opinion of James above.

Why not Ivan Fan: Even our interest in watching freshman try to do things they are largely unqualified for is outweighed by our love of Omar Njie. _____________________________________________________________ Secretary: Does it matter?

Without a handwriting sample, Rumpus feels uncomfortable choosing who would be better at taking notes during YCC meetings. (Or as silliwin01 phrased it on a YDN comment board: “Abstain. This position is meaningless”. )

THIS JUST IN: Matt Williams, candidate for YCC secretary, has actually submitted a handwriting sample. It looks nice, although slightly effeminate which I guess are kind of the same thing. Rumpus now officially endorses Matt Williams BK’13.

______________________________________________________________ UOFC Chair: Allen Granzberg DC’13

Why Allen Granzberg: Things Allen Granzberg likes on Facebook: Maury, “going to Yale”, Russian Jews, “The Fix with the Nigerian Ninja”, “dark haired girls are better looking ;) .”

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January 2011 Issue

Posted on April 5, 2011 by Rumpus
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Rumpus Advises Yalies

Posted on March 3, 2011 by Alex Goel

CampusAdvice.net is a recent start-up at Yale that allows students to post and answer questions about Yale life. As a reliable source of information on campus, Rumpus figured it would offer its sound knowledge base to undergrads.

007, we’re here for you.

Author’s Note: The following list is a direct transcription of a handwritten, laminated index card that we keep in our breast pocket every time we go out.

Tune your Quinnipiadar:

Whether you’re looking to get predatory or hoping not to become prey, identifying QPac students is an important skill for a successful night at Toad’s Place. Here are some physical and emotional traits to look out for:

  • Gets overly excited when “We R Who We R” by Ke$ha plays.
  • Mentions the QPac vs Yale rivalry as if that was a thing.
  • Is a member of the Lollipop Guild.
  • While mingling in the line outside Toad’s you find out her two favorite books are “L.A. Candy” by Lauren Conrad and “Decision Points” by George W. Bush.
  • He’s wearing a QPac t-shirt.
  • Glitter…in unexpected places.
  • Clothing…in none of the expected places.

Deciding Whether to Go Home with a Qpacker:

When making this decision consider the Golden Ratio.

Golden Ratio = (-1)*(Likelihood of running for future public office) − (How much your mom loves you) + (Number of people who currently respect you that are observing).  When Golden Ratio > (chances you have with actual Yale students), do it.

**Be careful about calculating this while inebriated. May have unwanted consequences.

Extra Handy Tip:

There is a guy named Kyle who is 41 and sometimes chills in the back left corner at Saturday Toad’s. Avoid Kyle.

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Rumpus Recommends Best of Online News, February

Posted on February 18, 2011 by Lydia

In honor of the warm(er) weather, Rumpus has decided to stay inside and compile a list of the top 3 best news articles of February. You will notice that none of them have ANYTHING to do with Valentine’s Day, summer employment, Mary Miller, or having to pee during class. Because those things make us uncomfortable.
We tried to write some commentary on these articles, but we highly recommend you follow the links, because the first two articles are especially engrossing. And let’s be honest, what else are you going to do during section?

1 . “Cat Looks like Lord Voldemort so Can’t Find New Family” (http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1355548/Cat-looks-like-lord-Voldemort-Harry-Potter-villain-new-family.html.)
Rumpus rarely reads an article this good, even in our own illustrious publication.
First off, it makes the bullet-proof case that some stray cat in England, named Charlie, looks exactly like Lord Voldemort. But the especially astounding thing about this article is how many interviews were conducted for it, and how much of it survived the editing room chopping floor–it’s got to be more than 1,000 words long. (Or maybe it just seemed long because we kept stopping to stare at the gorgeous photos of Charlie’s feline elegance.)

2. “Married GOP Congressman Sent Sexy Pictures to Craigslist Babe” (http://gawker.com/#!5755071/married-gop-congressman-sent-sexy-pictures-to-craigslist-babe).
We love Craigslist photos, especially of middle-aged guys. We love them even more when they’re of actually-kind-of-attractive middle-aged guys. And then we love them MOST when they’re of attractive, middle-aged, married…congressmen.
These photos were emailed to Gawker.com by some woman in Maryland who was “accidentally” exchanging sexy emails (except they’re not that sexy, if you read the article) with said Congressman.
We don’t have anything more to say about this, except that for all you fame whores out there, Rumpus has discovered a new strategy for finally getting on national television: step one, become a Congressman; step two, spout conservative ideals at all given opportunities; and step three, cheat on spouse. And if that doesn’t work? Marry future Congressman, because you will get cheated on and everyone will pity you for three days. It’s probably easier than getting on The Real World.

3. “Immigration officer fired after putting wife on list of terrorists to stop her flying home” (http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1351937/Immigration-officer-fired-putting-wife-list-terrorists-stop-flying-home.html)
We liked this article because there are certain people in the world we would definitely do this to. That is–put them on our nation’s terrorist suspect list, if we could. Also, we like the complete lack of information the article gives us. What were the guy’s motivations for ruining his wife’s life for three years? Did they have kids? How did she spend her time in Pakistan?
But these questions aren’t important. What is important, apparently, is that the the British Home Office is now under even more scrutiny from Parliament, because there was already the problem of some randos sneaking into England via attaching themselves to the bottoms of buses. (We feel like whoever did that should get citizenship as a reward for being so creative. Like really? You’ll give citizenship to Katy Perry when she marries Russel Brand–a life choice which, due to space limitations, we don’t have time to discourage or lament–but you won’t give it to some creative acrobat types?)

And, on that upbeat note, we wish you happy reading for the rest of the month.

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scrEWWed

Posted on February 14, 2011 by Jessica

Rumpus loves watching young love blossom right before its very eyes, so when we saw freshmen totally taking advantage of the opportunity that “Freshman Screw” presented them, we were thrilled. Their positive “when-life-hands-you-lemons, make-lemonade” attitude that made the best out of a drunken fall shows the true optimism that only the freshman class has. Even though we are extremely hopeful that this is not a one-time deal and that this type of hookup takes place every week at Wednesday night Toads, we do wonder what hooking up on the floor of Commons is really like. All we know is that this type of hookup not only takes tenacity and dedication, but agility and the intense ability to love. So… Happy Valentine’s Day and we hope to see you, “khakis” and “turquoise top”, at Barcelona at 8PM tonight!

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What it’s like to interview at J.P. Morgan…

Posted on February 6, 2011 by Lydia

The summer internship application craze can be hard on some people: all the rejections, all the tears, all the preparation gone to waste. It requires research, and reading up on an array of industries—banking, consulting, marketing, whatever—and memorizing equations based entirely on theoretical information.

Fortunately, I’m an Econ and Lit major with “Rumpus Editor” at the top of my resume, so basically I walk on water as far as human resourcing recruiters are concerned. JP Morgan’s VP of Corporate Risk Management, though, had apparently not gotten the memo that I was as amazing as I am. After they initially turned me down for an interview, they emailed me two days before their on-campus visit because “a slot had opened up.” (A.k.a. the qualified candidates had turned down their interview offer; Yalies don’t like to work in Sales & Trading, I hear).

I had a shitload of homework to do and figured there was no reason for me to prepare (since I wouldn’t be getting the job anyway, let’s be honest here), hence an interview that went like this:

-”Where else are you interviewing?”

-”Erm…consulting firms?” [This was a blatant lie. I'd been offered one consulting interview.]

-”So why do you want to work at J.P. Morgan, specifically?”

-”Because you’re the best.”

-”In what way?”

A few seconds pass.

-”Well, your training program. It’s the best.”

-”You want to work at J.P. Morgan because our training program is the best?”

-”Yes. I want to come out of this internship being able to do anything. That is, anything finance related.”

-”Interesting. You say you’re good at numbers. What’s the square root of 200?”

Seconds pass and I consider bolting.

-”12, 13?”

-”It’s actually around 14. Did you just write the math out on your hand???”

-”No…” [I lift up  my notebook, which I've been hiding under the desk.]

Before they finish asking me the rest of the quantitative and news-related questions, they take out my resume and ask me to tell them a little but about myself. My problem is that the only thing “finance”-y I’ve done in my life is to call up Yale alumni and ask them to give money to the Alumni Fund, which is my work study job. So I tell my interviewer, whose name is Su, that I raised $36,000 for the financial aid program at Yale.

Her reaction to hearing about my amazing ability to ask people for money? She looks at me and screams, “WHY DOES THAT MATTER?!” Startled, I ask her what she means, so she elaborates: “I AM AN ALUMNI. WHY DOES THIS MATTER?!”

All things considered, I’d say that my response—about a hypothetical librarian getting hypothetically fired from Yale’s hypothetical Russian Literature library—was pretty fricking awesome. She looked dubious at my answer, even though her teeth were shining brightly. She never stopped smiling after that. I decided that she must really enjoy screaming at people.

A few minutes later, the interview was over. “Have a nice day,” Su told me. I told her good luck with the rest of her interviews. Then I realized that I had nothing to lose, so I added, with the meanest death glare I could muster, “And good luck with the wonderful snow storm we’re getting tomorrow,” and then I pulled the door closed behind me. Surprisingly, I heard her laugh through the slit between the door and the UCS carpeting beneath it.

After I told my mom about this interview, my mom said, “It sounds like they really liked you. And you made them laugh. Your father always says people get the jobs they don’t want, so you’ll get this one.” And, lo and behold, one week later, I get a second round interview with J.P. Morgan!

Just kidding. In my dreams. I got a very kind (read: dry) email from an anonymous recruiting email address telling me that unfortunately they cannot offer me a position this summer. I was completely shocked. Completely shocked. Almost as shocked as I was when Bill Toth threatened to sue me if I printed his name in the last issue of Rumpus: that is, very shocked.

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Federalist Party Table Tent

Posted on January 16, 2011 by Lake

We love dumb table tents! You may have seen some around advertising the Federalist Party, a new YPU party. From what I hear, they broke off from the Tory Party to be even more conservative. I’m not quite sure about the relevance of federalism these days, since it appears we’ve pretty much settled on our current federal constitution and all. But I think being out of touch with reality and relevance is what the new Federalist Party is all about.

They appear to have modelled their table tents after those of Walden Peer Counseling. Except these are for if you’re a terrible person, not if you’re having emotional trouble. Take a look for yourself:

It’s especially great because half of those things have nothing to do with politics or being conservative. And about a third of them technically apply to me, even though this disgusts me.

Not to steal the trick of the last post, but let’s have some fun thinking of our own sayings! Federalist Party, you have our permission to use our ideas on your next table tent.

  • I’m offended when women speak.
  • I miss slavery.
  • The mention of homosexuality causes me to vomit.
  • That one time I saw a poor person was an experience I’d never like to repeat.
  • My friends think it’s weird when I masturbate to the Bible.
  • I wish lynching were still an acceptable recreational activity.
  • My butt skin chafes when I wipe it with $100 dollar bills, but I’m afraid to use toilet paper because I fear it may have been touched by a Chinaman.

This is fun.  Any others?

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This post is FaF (Frat as Fuck)

Posted on December 15, 2010 by Phoebe

My totally embarrassing new obsession is this website called Total Frat Move. Mostly southern fratstars and sratstars go on an post generally terrible things about their life and declare them to be TFM (total frat move) or TSM (total sorority move) respectively. Now I like reading about why elitist assholes that go to mediocre schools in the south are going to hell as much as the next vaguely reasonable person, but I still find the amount of time I spend reading about “fratdaddies” and their “slampieces” to be mildly disturbing. Perhaps this is an inkling of what was an, until now, dormant desire to be the queen sorostitute of a university in Florida and blow guys wearing bow ties on a regular basis; more likely, however, I’m just a pervert (is that redundant?). Repressed attraction to Republicans and dip-spit aside, I think I could have done a pretty good job as the slampiece of choice for any self respecting SAE bro in Alabama (aside from the whole being black and having self respect thing), so I’ve decided to craft a few TFMs of my own. Check out the website and let me know how they stand up.

Even my German Pointer is monogrammed TSM

I only go up north when the Hamptons or Double Ds are involved TFM

Pat Bateman is my fratdaddy TSM

Fratjectile vomited my fratwater all over some gdi who was parking my frathoe. Told

him to put it on tab then rawdogged some rando and paid her father to watch. TFM

Jingoism TFM

Homos NF Dressing a pledge in my girlfriend’s clothes and making him blow me and make me sandwiches during the week she’s on her period TFM

Waking up looking like my grandfather with dementia TFM

Making your slampiece get an abortion is only hypocritical if you don’t buy her Yurman after. TFM

Functional alcoholism TFM

Finding naked pictures of both Barbara Bushes on your fratberry TFM

Blaming my bulimia on my binge drinking TSM

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Intervention

Posted on December 1, 2010 by Phoebe

I was looking forward to Thanksgiving because I thought I needed a break from school work and waking up at 7:30 and boys with terrifying secret crushes on me. Turns out, after my performance at the game, which disturbingly resembled our football team’s performance on the field, got off to a good start I feel unfortunately flat in the form of an hour long vomiting session in the bathroom of John Harvard’s; it was fun I needed a break from. Luckily for me, I have two papers due on Thursday, one of which is my senior thesis and I’ve already finished reading two books today, attended three classes, had a lot of stomach discomfort because I forgot to take any lactaid before eating four slices of leftover pizza and learned about female masturbation from a helpful pamphlet seemingly left in all women’s bathroom by the female masturbation fairy. Or some feminist, whatever. Note to self: learn to spell masturbation correctly. Luckily I have a new blackberry my mother bought me after I spilled coffee on my old phone and had a mini nervous breakdown about my school work. This means I never have to speak to anyone again and it facilitates a lot of passive aggressive ignoring of said boys with terrifying secret crushes on me. This probably isn’t making the most sense, but you’ll take what you can get and like it.

I think I need a drink and I think winter break needs to get here now. I’m really looking forward to getting my wisdom teeth pulled the day after my last final.

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The Apaches Have Infiltrated

Posted on November 14, 2010 by Chloe

Rumpus just became a big fan of whoever the hell this Believe in People is. According to Twitter (the most reliable source like, ever) this magical work of art was done between 5:20 and 6:20 this morning on the side of the Skull and Bones tomb. We hope they keep it.

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