Rumpus

While Rumpus was shopping for classes this year, we came across some fantastic course evaluations. Here are some of the highlights:

PLSC 233 (Constitutional Law): Take it if you’re cool with not going to class and being equally lost. The only thing that matters in this course is whether or not you wear scarves to class, have political stickers on the front of your new MacBook Pro, and drink coffee while having meetings at Blue State. That my friends is the way to get an A in this class.

PSYC 332 (Political Psychology): Ayo so I would recommend dis class right herr. Dis brotha Professor Bullock got a mind of his own nah mean. He be teachin you how to think and feces, and not take no feces as it is from people. In other words, don’t be jus acceptin information as it is nah mean. only thing about this brotha is that he got a monotone voice nah mean. the stuff he be talkin about is usually interestin but some time you might just doze off nah mean. but he cool. tests are pretty fair, he ain’t tryna make you fail or anythin. but ya betta study for that feces or else you gonna fail. yeah, if anythin, you learn to not take feces from no one nah mean.

LATN 412 (Roman Myth and Pastoral): I really hope this semester was a fluke for the course. Maybe the large class threw prof. Solodow off balance, maybe the weather wasn’t right – beats me. Either way, this was undoubtedly the worst course I’ve taken at Yale so far. The professor is dispassionate, dry and plain old dull, the material would send an ADHD squirrel who just downed a dozen red bulls into a catatonic sleep, and the classmates were, with few notable exceptions, wholly unfriendly, solitary operators with superiority complexes. The only viable improvement for this course would be to eliminate this black stain on the classics department with extreme prejudice.

E&EB 125 (History of Life): Mr. Hickey, your lectures in this class are one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.

MATH 250 (Vector Analysis): Your mathematical cajones will descend after this course.

If you’re a student at Harvard, be sure to attend this real event on campus this Wednesday. If your friends at home didn’t think you were arrogant douches already, just wait.

Home from Harvard for the Holidays: Revisiting Relationships with Family and Friends

Wednesday, December 5, 1:00-2:30pm
5 Linden Street
How do I talk about Harvard at home? Will my friends and family think I’ve changed? Will I still fit in? This workshop provides an opportunity to describe and explore your experiences and questions as you anticipate going home. To register, email ——@bsc.harvard.edu or ———@bsc.harvard.edu.

The Freshman College Council (FCC) will be organizing a class-wide Secret Santa gift exchange this week. To pair students up with their ideal Santas, the FCC has asked all freshman to fill out this personality survey. Below, Rumpus has attached our responses. If you have any information leading to the identification of our soul mate please call: 314-873-2055.

It’s the end of the semester, which means it’s once again time to bask in the glory of Yale’s best kept secret—the Yale Dancers. They’re performing this weekend at the ECA Theater on Audobon St in a show that’s guaranteed to make you vow to make your sons and daughters take dance lessons at birth. They transcend what it means to be ordinary students at Yale. For those of you unfamiliar with their work, we’ve assembled a body of information about their history.

Yale Dancers Facts:

-Every dancer has a perfect GPA but none go into finance (because they’re better than that)

-Each Yale Dancer can bench 250 lbs, but even more when they use both arms

-The average Yale Dancer receives his/her first marriage proposal by the third week of freshman year

-“Grabbing lunch” with a Yale Dancer requires placing yourself on a three semester long waitlist

-Every Yale Dancer has 20/15 vision or better

-Their wardrobes make Burberry look like Burlington Coat Factory

-The personalities of Yale Dancers are equal parts Mila Kunis, Kate Upton and Bruce Willis

-Have members in the College, the Law School, and Med School compared to Rumpus whose members are all second year students in the Divinity School

-When Yale Dancers graduate, their old practice uniforms are framed and stored in the Sterling Memorial Library archives

Behold! In an incredible stroke of luck, Rumpus has managed to acquire (by carrier pigeon) tomorrow’s set of interview questions for Bridgewater’s interviews, via a tipster known only as “Moose Knuckle“. Eat your heart out, YD”N”.

Discuss!

Choose the best answer for each. Remember, there may be more than one right answer. Good luck, and thank you for your application.

Question 1: You arrive at the office early after a long night of number crunching. You see that your boss’s light is on, and you open the door. Your boss is slouched back in his chair, passed out, with cocaine spread across his desk. A dead hooker is splayed out on the floor, naked. Do you:

1. Call the police. Try reviving the unfortunate woman until trained paramedics arrive.
2. Roll her up in his carpet, take the subway home, and stuff her under the mattress.
3. Drag the hooker and the carpet and the cocaine to your cubicle, thusly taking the fall for your boss and avoiding startling and scaring away investors.

Discuss your answer.

Question 2: Faced with a work deadline you cannot possibly meet, you ask your friend for help. He kindly agrees to help you. Do you:

1. Do as much of the work by yourself as possible, and buy your friend dinner for his generous help
2. Do as little of the work by yourself as possible, and buy your friend dinner for his generous help
3. Do as little of the work by yourself as possible, and drag the hooker, the carpet, and the cocaine to his cubicle.

Discuss your answer, but be prepared to explore the pros and cons of each.

Question 3: After a bottle of wine at dinner with an attractive coworker, you confess that you had to flub numbers on your last report. The conversation immediately sobers. Do you:

1. Ask her to keep it a secret
2. Ask her to “please, please, please, oh Jesus Christ, please” keep it a secret
3. Admire the subtle, off-white coloring of her business card, kill her, roll her in a carpet and stuff her under the mattress

Discuss.

By Christina and Kane

This weekend Sig-Ep brother Paul Wasserman (50 Most 2011) brought an animal home to his frat on Sunday morning. No, it wasn’t a leopard-clad Toad’s patron – it was an infinitely more cute and trainable creature: a Golden Retriever puppy.

In his three short days on campus, this golden retriever puppy known as Jackson has risen to celebrity status. Descending into the basement living-quarters of the Sig-Ep house, Rumpus met this romping ball of fluff to obtain the first real exclusive interview: a rare opportunity to meet Yale’s newest lady-killer in the flesh fur and ask the hard-hitting questions. Also present was Jackson’s human-pet, agent, and owner, Paul, to answer some of our questions on the dog’s behalf. So toss aside your copies of the YD”N” and Yale Herald, donate them for potty-training purposes, and treat yourselves to the official scoop.

Rumpus: So, Jackson, how has it been adjusting to life at Yale and your immediate fame?

Paul: He’s finally starting to figure out where he lives! At first, he was like a freshman girl, stopping at every frat on High Street. But this morning he pooped on some of SAE’s dirt (I cleaned it up) and marked his territory here at Sig Ep by peeing on the front porch.

Rumpus: A boy after our own heart!

Jackson: (looks like a proud little fucker)

Rumpus: What about his name? How’d you decide on that one?

Paul: His name is Jackson – just Jackson, not Jackson Margaritaville Wasserman. When I got him from the breeder he was Sir Lancelot… but, I wanted to give him a name I thought of myself, and since I’m a history major, I decided on Jackson – you know, like Stonewall Jackson or something.

Rumpus: He’s a real Southern gentleman!

Jackson: (crawls all over Paul’s girlfriend’s crotch)

Rumpus: With your huge campus presence, exactly how many biddies have you managed to land thus far?

Paul: Well, uh, (looks to other brothers present) boys, can we get an estimate? (after some mumbling, the results are inconclusive)

Jackson: (chews on a rug and licks himself)

Paul: Actually, Jackson himself is just trying to keep his options open at this point. He has several female admirers but is currently pursuing a facebook relationship with another dog named “PousPous”. Something might come of that… we’ll see.

Rumpus: Well parties are definitely the best place to pick up chicks. Will your adoring public be seeing you out on the town any time soon?

Paul: He’s too young to be going to Safety Dance (because no underage drinking ever happens at Safety Dance, right?) but he’ll definitely be making appearances at both the Yale-Princeton tailgate and Halloween. Look out for his outfits.

Franco Sturla (50 Most 2011): But nobody better try to give him beer… They’ll have to deal with me.

Rumpus: What about Toad’s?

Paul: He’s more likely to be seen at Viva’s or Box63… You know, the classier late-night establishments. Plus he’ll be making an appearance at Sig Ep formal as my date!

Jackson: (sitting in Paul’s girlfriend’s lap, giving her a kiss)

Rumpus: Sounds respectable. And where’s he sleep at night?

Paul: Right now, we have him in the bathroom because he’s not yet housebroken.

Rumpus: Just like any respectable frat boy after a party… What else can you tell us about him?

Paul: Well, Jackson’s birthday is July 25, 2012—

Izzy (Paul’s girlfriend): That’s the same as mine!

Paul: Yeah, well… and his dad’s a champion something-or-other, and I picked him out from three other puppies. So like, yeah, I could register him and take him to competitions and everything.

Jackson: (wriggles under coffee table chewing on a tennis ball)

Rumpus: Pedigreed puppy living it up at Yale – he’ll fit right in. Rumpus has just one more question for Jackson. What’s his favorite campus publication?

Paul: He really likes the “Southern Belle” at Yale blog, because he’s a southerner at heart you know.

There you have it folks! All your lingering questions answered. You’re welcome.

In the criminal justice system, iPhone-theft based offenses are considered especially heinous. In New Haven, the dedicated detectives who investigate these vicious felonies are members of an elite squad, known as the Yale Police Department. This is one of those stories.

About one and a half years ago, my dentist at Sears (despite my frequent complaints, my mother never listened to me when I told her that going to the dentist at Sears was not a legitimate dental hygiene practice) told me that I would have to get my wisdom teeth out pretty soon. Naturally, I waited about one and a half years to get around to it.

However, this story is not about my reluctance to have four of my teeth forcefully removed by a strange man in one of New Haven’s shadier neighborhoods. The surgery went quite well actually and I plan on going back to Dr. Sarrantino’s office to have my tooth reattached after my next bar fight. The most tragic aspect of the whole experience was the truly traumatic incident that occurred at the Rite-Aid pharmacy on Church St. immediately following my surgery.

Wanting nothing more than to curl up in my bed cuddling with my bottle of Percocet, I went to Rite-Aid to pick up my prescription right after my surgery ended. I wasn’t put under for the procedure but I was still numb from the Novocaine, so you can imagine me trying to say the words “Percocet” and “Amoxicillin” to the pharmacist. I put my phone down on the counter to retrieve my wallet from my purse. I signed the receipt, picked up my medicines, and looked around the counter to see if I had forgotten anything. I didn’t see anything so I assumed I had put my phone back in my purse.

WRONG. As I later saw on the security footage, the son of a bitch behind me had put his bags on top of my phone and, once I had walked away, discretely tucked it in his pocket. SHADY FUCKER. Anyways, I realized soon enough that my phone was gone and went back to Rite-Aid to wait for the New Haven police.

For.two.fucking.hours. I still hadn’t taken any pain medication. Picture this: one short girl with two swollen cheeks, unable to properly speak, drooling blood and roaming the aisles of Rite-Aid while bawling her eyes out from a combination of pain and HER PHONE BEING STOLEN FROM UNDER HER NOSE.  A little too early for Halloween, but if anybody wants to dress up as the Rite-Aid monster, there you go. Lots of drool, lots of blood.

Fast forward to a week later, when I decide to call my phone out of the blue, in a last desperate attempt to get it back. To my surprise, a woman picks up. I explained the situation (“I want my phone back”) and she was more than willing to return it. Actually, considering this is still an ongoing police investigation, I’m not sure what details I can divulge. But I will say that she tried to lure me to Waterbury and pay her to get my phone back. But the fearless detectives from the Yale Police Department (love love love) retrieved my phone and returned it to me a couple days ago.  The thief has yet to be arrested and, having been in talks with the police for the better part of a week, I was still in a detective mindset. So I decided to check the search history and see if I could find any juicy clues. Here’s an excerpt:

When Intermediate Microeconomics holds class Monday morning, Economics major Sean Bottero ’15 will not be on board.

Bottero announced his departure from the major in an email to the entire Econ department on Tuesday, the Rumpus has learned. His decision came after realizing that Intermediate Macro is very boring and doesn’t make much sense.

Prior to leaving the major, he was even shopping some Political Science courses according to an anonymous source.

In response to the departure, the Economics DUS said, “Wait, what? Who are you talking about? There are over 200 Econ majors. Are you talking about the douchebag that sent everyone that email?”

“I really have no idea who you’re talking about,” the DUS added. “Why the fuck do I care if someone quits Econ?”

Bottero did not respond to requests for an interview on Wednesday. One of his suitemates also declined because the decision was still “a sore subject.”

Bottero saw action in Intro to Micro and Macro last spring after leaving the Mechanical Engineering, Biology, and Environmental Studies majors in that order. In the spring he switched to the Econ major after giving up on dreams to help the world.