Rumpus

Rumpus is uniquely qualified to tell you about all the things that can screw up your upcoming school year, because- let’s be honest- we’ve done all of them. We ended our freshman year broke, broken up with, and broken out. And also naked. We thought you’d like to avoid our mistakes… or not, whatever you want.

1. Drinking and Partying

If this isn’t your first question for us, then that is your first mistake. Drinking and partying always come first in college. They come before coursework, working out, waking up, relationships, and remembering your mom’s birthday. You may not have a lot of experience with alcohol from high school. You don’t quite know its full potential. Your first step is to find out your limits so that you can exceed them every single time. You want to push on past corner spectator, past funny drunk, and into passed out wino in a bush. If you don’t wake up with fuzzy memories and leaves in your hair, you could have done better.

But when to implement this lifestyle, you ask?

The answer is simple. Despite the fact that you will become a raging alcoholic, always start out the year saying that you’re “never going to drink” and that you “can have fun without alcohol.” Wait until Freshman Screw, when you need just a sip to calm your nerves because your suitemates notice that you look frantically nervous. You’re also worried about being awkward around a girl that you’ll probably end up making-out with, throwing up on, and then avoiding eye contact with every day in Intro Psych. You manage to take fifteen shots in fifteen minutes, and pass out in the bush you will come to call your own. Even become a psych major and live in said bush for three years after college paying off debts.

2. Forgetting Names

Don’t remember anyone’s name. You’re going to meet so many people, it just isn’t worth the effort. Don’t bother stalking or asking one of your suitemates, you’ll just forget again. Assume her name is Sarah or Jennifer, and shout it out repeatedly while drunk. Even introduce her as Sarah. Don’t listen to protests from her or her friends- chicks dig it when they think you’re a playa. Then ask her out. She’ll imply that you’re an asshole and unattractive. Tell yourself she was just intimidated by you. Rinse and repeat. When the next Jennifer rejects you, forget Yale girls and target Q-Packers. Eventually realize you’re an unattractive asshole and become depressed for a few days. Then realize you can just stick to calling people really awesome nicknames like “Big Country,” “Frog,” or “Googoo.”

3. Clubs

At college, there is the overbearing existence of these whimsical and sometimes threatening clubs. Imagine a scary movie where a supporting character hears a voice from a distant door at the end of the dim hallway whispering “Come.” Of course, everyone watching the movie realizes that the voice is probably a possessed demon-child. Still, the character walks in and… dies. Do you want to be that supporting character? If yes, then push the whole “extracurricular” envelope and end up in a cult-like political party arguing over issues that do not matter in the real world. Pretend they do matter and become really passionate about them… never returning to reality.

4. Random Hook ups

Random hook ups should be the only reason you leave our dorm room each weekend. Go to any of the frats or Toad’s, which actually includes a “hook-up guarantee” in its $5 admission Saturday nights. The following morning, be especially sure to be seen by your college master on your walk of shame. Ultimate goal: to lose your pants and run into your last night’s hook up giving a campus tour… who decides it would be fun to ask you, “Why did you choose Yale?”

This is why I chose Yale. Good luck freshmen.

Corporate cynicism, all-white casts, cliched plot lines AND the production values of a medium quality pornographic film? Where do we sign up? God as if we didn’t love Walmart enough for providing quality products at a great discount, then they go and make a series of movies of the week.

http://filmdrunk.uproxx.com/2011/06/are-you-aware-wal-mart-has-been-producing-movies-they-are-amazing

Peter Saarsgard and Jake Gyllenhaal

If you were at this years’ graduation, and sitting on the Eastern side of Old Campus, you may have noticed a particularly scruffy man sitting near you. He was wearing aviators and he looked like a harrier, more masculine version of Maggie Gyllenhaal  (see picture above).

Yup, that was Jake Gyllenhaal, in town to see his cousin (some say niece?), Rachel Achs BR’11, as she graduated from Yale College. Even better: along with Jake was his brother-in-law Peter Sarsgaard, and Sarsgaard’s four-year-old daughter Ramona. Rumpus was one of the lucky Gyllenheeks who got to stare at them while they casually talked to Rachel for a good twenty minutes after graduation ended. Not since Isabella Huffington moved out of her dorm room a month ago has Rumpus experienced such a lucrative Old Campus celebrity sighting.

But the presence of two such sexy Hollywood stars begs the question: if there were so many well-connected graduates in the class of 2011, then why didn’t Jake Gyllenhaal give the Class Day Speech instead of Tom Hanks? Instead of discussing Tom’s chosen themes–poverty, technological innovation, and a lot of other topics we couldn’t really follow–Jake would have talked about fun things. Like how he’s the only guy who dumped Taylor Swift and got away with it (she says that she and Jake remain “good friends”). Or how his abs singlehandedly grossed $542,771,772 for “The Day After Tomorrow.” Those are themes that Rumpus finds interesting.

But it turns out that Mr. Hanks may have an excuse for his sub-par Class Day Speech. How do we know this? Well, Rumpus picked up a newspaper for the first time in over a year and it happened to be the London Times. Luckily there was an article on page 2 that told us who was invited to the May 24 state banquet welcoming the Obamas to Buckingham Palace, an event that fell one day after graduation. Included on that guest list–along with the Mayor of London, Hillary Rodham Clinton, David Cameron, and the Chief of M16–was Tom Hanks. Rumpus has a personal theory that Hanks was so excited to meet Michelle Obama that he raced though his Class Day Speech in order to get to England sooner, resulting in sage words of advice like the following:

“Take this [Class Day Speech] and set it to music, and maybe insert some crazy kooky graphics, star in that video yourself, then post it on the web. And if it becomes a viral sensation, you’ll be equal to any cat playing with a paper bag.”

These have to be the wisest words any Class Day Speaker has ever spoken.