Saybrook Gives “Dirty Laundry” New Meaning

thehorror

The horror within.

There is a monster in Saybrook. An unknown student has been performing a series of gross and disgusting violations in the Saybrook Laundry Room, including stealing, urinating, and defecating on several loads of laundry. The Saybrook Master’s Office was apparently in denial about the reports of shit-covered clothing, forcing one of the victims to bring the actual shit and shit-covered clothing to the master’s office to confirm her claims.

Word of the laundry vandal spread throughout the Saybrook community after one of the victims posted a Facebook status. Saybrook Master Paul Hudak confirmed the incidents in an email to the Saybrook community tonight, though he refrained from providing specifics, only referring to them as “weird, creepy, and (frankly) disgusting things in the Laundry Room.” [Full email at the bottom of the post]

It is unknown as to whether these were targeted attacks or the random acts of a clearly disturbed individual. Rumpus would like to reiterate that until the perpetrator has been apprehended, no one is safe. We recommend staying in the laundry room during all stages of the laundry cycle (washing, for now, is safe: all Yale washing machines lock during the cycle). LaundryView is no longer just a helpful tool preventing you from an unnecessary trip to the basement but our number-one method of defense against this disgusting violator of our basic rights to life, liberty, and the pursuit of clean laundry.

We reached out to one of the victims, a sophomore in Saybrook who requested she remain anonymous. A transcript of the interview is below:

What was your reaction when you realized this had happened to you?
   To be honest it was mostly pure unadulterated incredulity of the are-you-fucking-kidding-me variety. I mean, the entire reason my laundry was in this top dryer in the first place was that someone had already urinated on it in the bottom dryer, so I had to rewash the whole thing (with extra detergent). And I remember having thought back then, Well, at least they didn’t poop on it. But there you go.
What did you do afterwards?
    Naturally I stalked to the nearest bathroom in the Saybrook basement, procured a paper towel and carried the specimen directly to the Saybrook Master’s Office. I mean what else would you do.
What steps did the Saybrook administration take?
    Well, the Master’s Aide didn’t seem to notice that I was holding human excrement in a paper towel, but I didn’t make a big deal out of that, just showed it to Ann-Marie Apicella while recounting the story. She was horrified. But then nothing happened for several hours. I’m not really sure what I was expecting. I did send an email to the Saybrook Master’s Office that included my plan to instigate a Laundry Vigil, which was not entirely a joke. My suitemates and I are still considering it, since now two of us have had our laundry urinated on. It’s an epidemic apparently.

 

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Dear Saybrugians,

Someone has been doing weird, creepy, and (frankly) disgusting things in the Laundry Room.  This must stop immediately.  If you have observed something of this nature, or know who the perpetrator might be, please let me know.  I can’t imagine why someone would do these things, but it has got to stop, and we will take measures to be sure it does.

Thanks,    -Master Hudak”

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By Andrea V, Aaron B