Freshman year can be rough. Between exploring the dark corners of Toad’s and fending off STDs, finding time to make wise decisions can be tricky. But here at Rumpus, we really do care about the well being of the incoming freshman class (or the good looking ones, anyway) so we have taken it upon ourselves to pass on a few dos and don’ts to help ensure your first year is nothing less than epic.
Do: Make out with your doppelganger
Especially if you want to make a name for yourself fast. But maybe reconsider posting pictures of it on facebook.
Don’t: visit Marie Baker
It is all too likely that some figure of authority will, at some point, ask you to schedule an appointment with Dr. Marie Baker- Yale’s substance abuse counselor. Don’t. She will rope you into weekly one-on-one blows to your self-esteem until your only way out is to get a new phone number, change your PO Box, and never be seen within a two-block radius of DUH.
Do: your Froco
What better way to go about winning over your freshman counselor’s affections than by sleeping with him/her within the first month of school? Sure, it’s technically against the rules, but what your college master doesn’t know won’t cause him to shit himself. Plus it will give you serious leverage next time your froco threatens to get you in trouble.
Do: Puke on your Froco
For those of you who aren’t quite ballsy enough to do the nasty with your froco, perhaps you can settle for another nasty act. Only during your freshman year will you have a froco whose job it is to clean up your dirty messes. Really, take advantage of it.
Don’t: finish your night out with a trip to New York
You may find, at certain stages of your Saturday night intoxication, it seems like a fantastic idea to hop on the train into New York. Rumpus has found that, generally speaking, this idea seems considerably less fantastic when you wake up in central park covered in blood, semen, and your own puke.
Do: the hockey team
Ladies: if you’re going to pick one varsity sports team to whore yourself out to, definitely go for the men’s ice hockey team. They are surprisingly STD free (we were shocked, too) and totally ok with sharing a girl.
Do: lower your standards
Many freshmen experience a sort of disappointment when they first learn that not everybody on Yale’s campus is an attractive, rich, and charming offspring of a politician or movie director. But this doesn’t mean that their sex life is over! Once you lower your standards from the Prince of Morocco to that guy outside of Popeye’s, you will be infinitely happier at Yale (and potentially getting some sweet discounts on crack).
Don’t: think you will be out of bed for your 9.25 am class
Especially on a Friday morning. You’ll still be drunk from Viva’s the night before.
Do: Experiment with grain
May we suggest mixing it with Kool-Aid or Tang in a novel container or accompanied by a rubber snake? In these economically trying times, even the privilege that pervades Yale student population is no reason to be unmindful of your trust-fund. Be responsible and drink grain on the cheap.
Do: Take advantage of the benches on old campus
Rumpus believes it’s most often best to go with your instinct. And if your black-out drunk instinct is to sleep on a bench, by God, go for it. If it’s good enough for our homeless veterans, it’s good enough for America’s future. Right?
Don’t: wear a ball gown to a hook up
This is what some might call “conspicuous”. Staving off a hang-over while avoiding prospective students and your master on a Sunday morning is bad enough. No need to add the burden of dragging a now not-so-elegant train behind you.
Do: join Rumpus
Join Rumpus if you are 1. looking to sabotage all chance of ever being hired by anyone 2. good looking 3. in need of friends who won’t frown upon your alcoholic tendencies or 4. Jewish