Or, why Rumpus does not attend political events
Resolved: Self-important windbags shouldn’t waste our time when $5 half yards are available at Richter’s. Discuss.
Immediately everyone in attendance pissed Rumpus off. We tried to play Fuck Chuck Marry while we were waiting for the event to start, but it was gross. All of you were gross. The weird guy sitting on the ground in front of us tried to rest his head on our knee. HELLO PERSONAL SPACE. We guess that while you were grooming yourself to be president you never got around to learning how to be a normal fucking human. In your defense, the bow tie should have tipped us off. The kids behind us were trying to decide whether to be super heroes or Tom Cruise for Halloween. Seriously, we hate all of you.
Rumpus couldn’t help but notice that the moderator was on the sailing team. We spent the next 10 minutes trying to imagine some crossover between boating and nuclear warfare. Then we remembered the Navy. Hi Bobby!
Former Mexican president Ernesto Zedillo began to speak. He started off by announcing that he was the “warm-up band for John Kerry.” Even in the pursuit of self-deprecation, that was a pretty low blow. Then he told of us that there is some imminent nuclear accident that we should all be afraid of. It was depressing. But we’re pretty sure that Bass doubles as a fallout shelter so the Yale elite should be fine (sorry townies). Zedillo continued to talk for 30 minutes and aside from making awkward jabs at Kerry’s unpunctuality, said nothing particularly interesting. Or maybe he did but it was hard to tell between all of his self-deprecating jokes and his weird lack of rhetoric. Rumpus sincerely hopes this guy is more engaging in Spanish. More or less the second John Kerry walked into the room toting his cute pink tie, Zedillo ducked out from behind the podium and did not say another word for the rest of the event. Which was, still, oddly depressing.
When Kerry took the stage the girl next to us asked way too loudly, “Does John Kerry have a lazy eye?” Proving once again that the conviction, intellectual curiosity and creative mind that characterizes an Eli is as alive and well as ever today.
The SigEp bro next to her responded, “I dunno but he sure has beautiful, beautiful gray hair.” That we couldn’t exactly disagree with.
The Senator said something to the effect of, “All of these countries are in disarray because, well I’m not going to blame them, but basically it was the British.” We hope Rumpus Online does not get sued for libel because of our sloppy paraphrasing. But in case we do, we would like to also imply that John Kerry was eye fucking the shit out of Rumpus. Kerry managed to bring up the START Treaty (which this discussion was allegedly about) four minutes before he was scheduled to stop speaking. We think the START treaty has something to do with getting rid of nuclear weapons. We don’t really care. He praised himself extensively for “keeping nuclear weapons out of space.” In a clever display of his ability to reference current events and keep young people interested. He then quoted The New Kids on the Block. In his final minutes he completely lost track of this whole nuclear warfare thing, which lead us to believe that it’s not really that big of a deal. He mentioned that Vietnam is scared of “The China” and then thanked a girl for asking a really stupid question (“a real softball question,” as he called it). He finished his Q&A session under the pretense that all of us kids have to get back to “whatever it is [we] do.”
Resolved: Rumpus fucking hates politics. But Rumpus fucking hates weapons in space more.
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