Rumpus is uniquely qualified to tell you about all the things that can screw up your upcoming school year, because- let’s be honest- we’ve done all of them. We ended our freshman year broke, broken up with, and broken out. And also naked. We thought you’d like to avoid our mistakes… or not, whatever you want.
1. Drinking and Partying
If this isn’t your first question for us, then that is your first mistake. Drinking and partying always come first in college. They come before coursework, working out, waking up, relationships, and remembering your mom’s birthday. You may not have a lot of experience with alcohol from high school. You don’t quite know its full potential. Your first step is to find out your limits so that you can exceed them every single time. You want to push on past corner spectator, past funny drunk, and into passed out wino in a bush. If you don’t wake up with fuzzy memories and leaves in your hair, you could have done better.
But when to implement this lifestyle, you ask?
The answer is simple. Despite the fact that you will become a raging alcoholic, always start out the year saying that you’re “never going to drink” and that you “can have fun without alcohol.” Wait until Freshman Screw, when you need just a sip to calm your nerves because your suitemates notice that you look frantically nervous. You’re also worried about being awkward around a girl that you’ll probably end up making-out with, throwing up on, and then avoiding eye contact with every day in Intro Psych. You manage to take fifteen shots in fifteen minutes, and pass out in the bush you will come to call your own. Even become a psych major and live in said bush for three years after college paying off debts.
2. Forgetting Names
Don’t remember anyone’s name. You’re going to meet so many people, it just isn’t worth the effort. Don’t bother stalking or asking one of your suitemates, you’ll just forget again. Assume her name is Sarah or Jennifer, and shout it out repeatedly while drunk. Even introduce her as Sarah. Don’t listen to protests from her or her friends- chicks dig it when they think you’re a playa. Then ask her out. She’ll imply that you’re an asshole and unattractive. Tell yourself she was just intimidated by you. Rinse and repeat. When the next Jennifer rejects you, forget Yale girls and target Q-Packers. Eventually realize you’re an unattractive asshole and become depressed for a few days. Then realize you can just stick to calling people really awesome nicknames like “Big Country,” “Frog,” or “Googoo.”
At college, there is the overbearing existence of these whimsical and sometimes threatening clubs. Imagine a scary movie where a supporting character hears a voice from a distant door at the end of the dim hallway whispering “Come.” Of course, everyone watching the movie realizes that the voice is probably a possessed demon-child. Still, the character walks in and… dies. Do you want to be that supporting character? If yes, then push the whole “extracurricular” envelope and end up in a cult-like political party arguing over issues that do not matter in the real world. Pretend they do matter and become really passionate about them… never returning to reality.
4. Random Hook ups
Random hook ups should be the only reason you leave our dorm room each weekend. Go to any of the frats or Toad’s, which actually includes a “hook-up guarantee” in its $5 admission Saturday nights. The following morning, be especially sure to be seen by your college master on your walk of shame. Ultimate goal: to lose your pants and run into your last night’s hook up giving a campus tour… who decides it would be fun to ask you, “Why did you choose Yale?”
This is why I chose Yale. Good luck freshmen.