What Freshman Orientation Probably Includes These Days

Kids these days. Now that I’m a self-righteous senior with one foot out the door of academia, I look back at the freshmen and wonder what they’re teaching these little bastards these days. It may surprise you to hear that I’m no FroCo, so I’m not quite sure what freshman orientation consists of nowadays. But here are my guesses of what FroCos must be teaching them, judging from the behavior of these littluns around campus:

• The only way to make friends is playing frisbee.  If you stop playing, people won’t believe you’re a college student.
• Dudes, always look like you’re coming from the gym.  Nothing says “This whole campus is my bedroom.” like always wearing basketball shorts or sweatpants.  A pinnie or grey shirt serves the same purpose for the upper half of your body.  Bro.  It also draw attention to your new sexy Payne Whitney body.
• When departing from non-freshman territory (residential colleges, ADPhi), always make sure to ask a passer-by which direction Old Campus is.  It could change location at any moment, so it may not be back in the direction you came from.  Extra credit:  Refer to Old Campus as “the OC”.  It makes you sound like you’re more familiar with it.
• Make a point to share your opinion at least every 5 minutes in section.  Nobody else took the same AP classes as you in high school, but they sure wish they did, so be sure to bring in that outside knowledge and enlighten the rest of the class.  It’ll probably get you invited to parties.
• Join as many student groups as possible.  The bitchier they are about letting you in (i.e. a capella), they better they must be.  Rank your time commitment by how many inside jokes the members appear to have already.
• You want to be in a selective major – EP&E, International Studies or whatever it’s called now, Humanities maybe?  And step one is talking to your fellow freshmen in Intro Whatever about your strategies for getting into said major.
• You might as well be pre-med.
• Buy protein powder and start a regular work-out routine with your fellow freshbros, a.k.a. your roommates.  This is college, man, and you guys are gonna get so many bitches once you get swole.
• If you’re from another country, only talk to other international students.  You’re too good for Americans, who don’t understand the exotic cigarette-smoking culture of your American international school in the gated district in the capital of your silly country, and that’s why you’re in our country getting a goddamn education.

This orientation curriculum is the only logical explanation for the remarkably synchronized behavior of freshmen at the beginning of each semester.  If you’ve picked up on other tidbits that they appear to be teaching the kids these days, feel free to share them with us.