We once thought Thanksgiving is a happy time, with lots of Turkey, reconnecting with old classmates, and maybe having sex with our high school sweethearts in the backseat of their Dad’s car. Then, November of our freshman year, we at Rumpus had our hearts ripped out. Now, we are older, wiser, and cynical.

If you entered Yale still committed to your high school sweetheart, you may be facing what is commonly called “The Turkey Dump.” Upon returning home from college for Thanksgiving break, college freshmen often make a decision about whether to stay in their relationships or to GTFO. If you just dumped your high school significant other, you made the right decision. If you just got dumped, we think you’ll be okay. And if you are still desperately clinging on to a dying relationship with promises to continue visiting every other weekend, it’s time to DUMP THAT SUCKER. Here’s why.

  1. Natural selection. Yale people were meant to breed together. Where does your boyfriend/girlfriend go to school, anyway??? Tap into Yale’s pool of the beautiful beautiful, brilliant, changemakers. Find your own future consultant who gets 90% of their self worth from the moments when unsuspecting strangers ask what school they go to! One day, your children may be able say “my parents met at college… in New Haven” desperately hoping the person they’re talking to will know what they mean. You didn’t spend all those nights cramming for SAT IIs for nothing. Give your children a reason to be SUPER pretentious. Boola Boola!

  2. Trade FaceTime for face-time. You’re so blinded by this whole “love conquers distance thing” that you can’t see the people staring you in the face (or ass), namely the hot ones. Forget technology and engage in some real face-to-face contact (whatever that means to you) instead. 
  3. Reallocate your stress. The need to plan is inevitable—we’re all consumed by it. But if we have to deal with the stress of planning, we can at least choose the more appealing option, right? And what’s more appealing, seriously: planning your next visit to your significant other (i.e airfare!), or planning your next Saturday night conquest?! And hey—if that conquest is a GHeav bacon egg and cheese, that’s fine too. At least it’s a Yale bacon egg and cheese, ergo beautiful and brilliant.
  4. Maximize the productivity of your time. Between classes and student organizations and apple-picking Instagrams and flirting with investment bankers, who has time to sustain an outside-the-bubble relationship?  With the limited time we have, relationships should be convenient and easy-access.
  5. You’ve matured. You’re no longer the doe-eyed, innocent, moral-bound creature you were when you arrived at Yale. You’ve experienced the ravages of Yale’s social scene, and that experience has shaped you into the jaded, horny low-life that you are now. It’s time to respond accordingly—come over to the dark side. You won’t regret it.
Yale Rumpus