Kiddest Sinke

Screw season might be winding up, but at Rumpus we’ve still learned a few things this year. Hopefully our wisdom will prevent you from making the same mistakes we did.

1. They are the zookeeper who killed Harambe.

Warning next time, please. Your date thought this was a safe place, and you just had to bring up your summer trip to the Cincinnati zoo. Don’t know you that Harambe wasn’t just a gorilla?

1a. They were one of the 11,000 Americans who voted for Harambe for president.

Wow! Throwing away their chance to take part in Democracy at the expense of the lives and safety of Americans is soooo quirky!

2.  They thought this was a Yale interview.

They’re going to spend the whole time telling you how being in their high school’s spring musical REALLY taught them what it means to be a citizen of the world.

3. They sold their soul to Satan.

Their interests include Illuminati rituals, Taylor Swift, and investment banking.

4. They’re actually your Froco.

First they dump out your drink, then take you out to froyo.

5. They’re the person you swiped left on Tinder.

Did I mention their My Little Pony profile picture? Are you agreeing to their sensual foot fetish massage? Maybe you should have taken that extra shot at the pregame.

6. They’re vegan intolerant.

I know you were dying to try out the free-range, non-GMO, dairy-free, gluten-free, vegan meatballs, but your Screw date fears letting you eat them would be unethical.

7. They attend Harvard, as a professor.

The only pro to this date is the free Vineyard Vines polo and rampant grade inflation you receive after you Huck Farvard.

8. He’s actually your dad.

Maybe you shouldn’t have told your roommate about your daddy kink.

9. They try to convert you to Scientology.

After dinner, you thought you signed the check. Turns out you actually signed a billion-year contract dedicating your life to Tom Cruise.

10. They write fan fiction about Donald Trump’s cabinet.

You’re not going to want to hear about the bubble bath shared by Secretary of State Newt Gingrich and Putin that led to nuclear war.

Yale Rumpus