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Mary Landeau is fucking awkward at every party and she’s already been cunt punted two times and is close to a third.
She’s a sometimes member of the PanHellenic council on campus and sister of some sorority. At parties, she is LITERALLY so fucking AWKWARD, so fucking BORING, unable to give a flying fuck, WEIRD at sports. Mary should also punch herself in the face right now. Those setbacks are only slightly alleviated by her very minor positive traits. She does attend some sporting events, but cheers for the FUCKING OPPOSING TEAM. She even texted someone “durr what’s kickball?” when she was watching soccer. She is also captain of the Cunt Punt squad and organizes their super fun events. On Saturday nights, you can find Mary awkwardly standing outside of Sigma Nu, complaining about how she wishes she was at Zeta.
Roger Smith almost died.
Roger Smith almost died. He almost FUCKING died. Can you believe that??? I forget the story exactly, but it took place about five years ago. He was scuba diving in the Caribbean off the coast of Bermuda. He discovered this hidden cave underneath the coral reef that Roger said looking like fucking Atlantis. He needed to get out of there and tell the world of his discovery. On his way out, a shark bit off all of his limbs. He was so fucking close to death. Luckily, a doctor repaired everything and he’s doing well. Roger is now captain of the cricket team.
Michael Stromp came from nothing and still likes to talk about it.
Michael grew up with no parents, was born without a right pinky finger, and hates everything that’s the color orange. You’re probably asking yourself, how did he win life? Well, it’s called hard work, bitches. At the age of thirteen, Michael took it upon himself to study economics and now kills it in the stock market. With his newly acquired wealth, Michael started a small online company providing financial resources, which was quickly bought by Google. Instead of holding on to the money, Michael used his funds to start an NGO helping to build wells in Africa. At Yale, he plans on double majoring in EPE and Bio Medical Engineering so he can tackle everything having to do with the word “crisis.” And he talks about himself all the time.
Bush McCormick is a total bro and has a great flow.
Bush McCormick is best known for going on a 7-cup fire streak at the Fall 2012 SAE pong tournament, being able to simultaneously grill 4 burgers on a tiny, portable grill and owning one of the most expansive collections of polo shirts known to man. In the warmer months, he can usually be found on Old Campus honing his day drinking and shirtless tanning skills. In short, he is Yale’s most illustrious frat star. But McCormick’s place on this list was solidified by his academic innovations: by taking only classes with notes in the frat database and making pledges write his papers, he does less work than anyone else at Yale. Bush McCormick, we tip our hats to you.
You asked and we answered!
After much research we have, to the best of our knowledge, assembled the list of juniors tapped for two of the “big three” societies. We’re going to leave the list of Boners up to the Herald – Cindy Ok, a Bullblog Associate Editor and prestigious private school graduate got a nod from Skulls this year.
UPDATE (4/15/13, 8:30PM): Either we underestimated our own sleuthing skills or overestimated those of our friends over at the Bullblog. Either way, we now present the list of all 2014 taps of the “big three”: Skull and Bones, Wolf’s Head, and Scroll and Key.
A few observations about this year’s tap class: First, a MAJOR tap line for YD“N” Editor-in-Chief was broken for the second time in three years. This year, there was no tap for Tap! What’s the deal, DLB!? Second, it seems like becoming Calhoun froco is one way to get on the short list to be a Boner.
Skull and Bones
Terrence Chin Loy
For the first time in recent memory, Wolf’s Head departed from the practice of tapping several well-connected and successful members of the rising senior class. Instead, with the exception of Gwen Tilghman (who shows us that the Women’s Squash tapline is indeed alive and well. #prepschoolsports), they tapped many members of one pre-existing friend group.
Fun exercise: guess what percentage of them went to prep schools? Here’s a hint: it’s way higher than the Yale average.
On the opposite end of the spectrum, Scroll and Key went for a group of people with seemingly few pre-existing connections (presumably because some may never have left their suites – we spy a couple of Junior Phi Beta Kappa inductees). Way to go, Scroll and Key, for keeping it traditional this year!
Fun fact: to get into Scroll and Key, all you need to do is be named Millie! Now we know what we’re going to name our firstborn.
Scroll and Key
Jun Luke Foster
The two candidates for YCC Treasurer this year are Eugene Yi and Leigh Hamilton. Since many of the top elected positions are uncontested, the spotlight on positions that may have been overlooked in past races is wider than expected. Here is Rumpus’s evaluation of Yi and Hamilton, who both think they have what it takes to manage an annual budget of $265,000. May this serve as an informative guide as the clock ticks away to their fight to the death once polls open. Here are our observations, broken now into arbitrary attributes.
As main features of their respective platforms, both candidates explicitly emphasize their desire to release the YCC budget publicly and on time. This is apparently supposed to happen anyway, so the need for these two to state that they will achieve the basic makes Rumpus slightly curious about the performance of past treasurers. Of course, stating the obvious is usually a good start for political statements. Adequacy is what Rumpus continuously strives for as well.
In addition to his stated position-specific responsibilities, Eugene has revealed plans to bring internet connectivity to the currently wi-fi-less auditorium in the Art Gallery, as well as allowing Yale students to change their student ID photos. This earns him support from two critical communities at Yale: people who prefer Facebook chat to listening to their Food Psych lecture and Yalies who were ugly ducklings until they got to college and finally learned how to be hot. Leigh’s YCC baby seems to be the 10K project, which never really got off the ground in recent years. Rumpus is delighted to see a candidate who is committed to giving us the chance to make our dreams of turning Cross Campus into a petting zoo a reality.
There’s not a huge amount of variety among the campaign photos Leigh has posted. They show her holding a simple blue sign displaying her signature (Rumpus has an eye for details like this; we may enter the field of identity theft if we cannot marry into wealth after Yale). Not a lot of elaborate online visuals overall. Perhaps this is inevitable; after our interview with her, Rumpus made the easy observation that Leigh is more electrifying in person than any photo can portray. Eugene’s cover photo is simply his last name with a blue background. It’s simple in a provocative way, like the I Am Legend poster. An unsubtle sign of his taste for the dramatic, the dude’s profile picture shows him in a tux exhibiting some sort of wink/grin/expression of sheer awe, coupled with the tagline “This is gonna be Euge.” If Eugene had to transport a bag of YCC money across campus, Rumpus guesses that he would opt for strapping it to his chest and skydiving to the delivery point, Felix Baumgartner style. He also has an album full of Yale students all flashing the same gang sign in support of his candidacy; if elected, Eugene will surely come into the position with a ready army of enforcers prepared to collect debt payments owed to the YCC.
Rumpus asked each candidate for their favorite characteristic of their opponent. They both casually avoided describing anything relevant to the role of YCC treasurer. Leigh appreciated how “enthusiastic” Eugene is. Eugene highlighted Leigh’s beauty (internal and external) and her quality choice in current boyfriend. Solid attributes if Leigh were auditioning for a role as an extra on Mad Men.
We’re going to have to throw our roses into Leigh’s corner here. In addition to possessing the intelligence and tact that being Treasurer demands, she’s got a natural charisma that would make her a solid representative of the YCC. We asked her how she would manage the inevitable task of saying no to some of those who would beg her for a larger slice of the YCC’s pie. Leigh claimed that as a girl, she excels at setting limits and rejecting. Rumpus assumes that weighing the pros and cons of a funding request submitted to the YCC E-board is similar to undertaking a risk-benefit analysis on a booty text received at 1:22 on a Saturday night.
YCC elections are here, and although in come cases the choice is clear (meaning, the race is uncontested), many races remain up in the air. Rumpus weighs in on how you should vote. And if you ignore us, Rump Chat will be gunning for you.
A YD”N” endorsement is a terrible thing to happen to a political campaign, but Andrew Grass JE ’16 has taken it in stride in his run for YCC Secretary, aka “Email Czar.” And yet he’s a benevolent czar, because he actually believes we should get fewer emails from the YCC, thereby de-escalating the arms race between our spam filters and the YCC’s every-evasive email headings. Grass’ plan to make the YCC more effective could start by making it effective in the first place (although the YCC Salad Report was truly excellent), and he told Rumpus why he’s the man for the job. Despite being a DS scholar who claims to do “most” of the reading, Andrew actually seems like a fairly approachable human being, and his boundless knowledge of the political classics will doubtless make him into a more effective politician and administrator (LOLOL). Grass was the FCC’s chair this year, but when we asked how it felt to have the entire FCC sitting on him, he just gave us a weird look. He did say that herding 24 freshmen, each with presidential aspirations, is actually less difficult than herding cats, which he knows, because as an ex-cat sitter, he has actually herded cats, which he says is “difficult, especially given that they were outdoor cats.” Grass’ professional campaign website (check it out here), his contribution to the FCC’s first annual Stress Reduction Day, and his work in creating an IMs website make him a clear choice for YCC secretary. Despite an institutional mandate to always do the opposite of whatever the YD”N” does (for example, publish issues), Rumpus endorses Andrew Grass for YCC secretary.
Our relationship with Grass’ opponent, Rohan Goswami, is a sob story. Having read his profile on the “News,” we weren’t sure what to think, and so sent him an email to schedule an interview. Only problem was, the hacks over at the YD”N” spelled his name wrong, so our email – to Rohan Goswani, who doesn’t exist – never got through, although for some reason our Email Delivery Services didn’t think this was information we might like to know. We thought he just hadn’t gotten back to us, and not answering an email when running for email czar is like getting a job as a Classics major: it’s just not what you do. So we had condemned his campaign, only to realize that it wasn’t he, but of course, the YD”N” who was at fault. Nonetheless, we’re sticking with Grass. Goswani has a campaign manager, which sort of seems like a way to make “helped put up posters” look good on a resumé, and that’s just about all we know about him. He does have some great ideas like dinner swipes at Durfee’s, and HBO GO for Yale (as if our productivity weren’t fucked enough – thanks, Tivli) , and we’re sure that, unlike us, he’s a very nice guy. But we’re sticking to our guns: Legalize Grass!
If there’s one thing all the YCC UOC Chair candidates can agree on, it’s that no one knows what UOC stands for or what the position of Chair would entail. Sure, Rumpus asked all of them, but to be honest, it was a beautiful day, spring was in the air, and it’s been well-documented by scientific evidence that Vitamin D makes it impossible to give a fuck about politics. That’s why Election Day is in November. Look it up.
At any rate, each of the candidates elaborated his platform in detail, but what’s most telling about their political aspirations are their takes on those three mysterious letters: U-O-C. They each broke it down for us:
Brian Lei (CC ’16): Unusually Outstanding Committee
Ben Ackerman (TD ’16): Unbelievable Octopus Council
Grant Fergusson (BR ’16): University Of Cannibals
Zenas Han (DC ’16): Universal Orgies Campus-wide
The choice is clear for Rumpus—who can resist a good orgy? Plus, those other things are either very vague or just uncomfortable. From the moment the word “orgies” left his lips, we knew Han was our man.
That’s the thing about Han—he thinks differently. When asked about a slogan for his campaign, he even suggested the legendary Apple ad line: “Think different.” Han thinks differently, but by blatantly plagiarizing arguably one of the most well-known ad campaigns of all time, he demonstrates a firm commitment to think in a way that is both boldly different and comfortably lazy and ill-thought-out. That’s the kind of leadership Rumpus demands from the Chair of Yale’s highest group-sex-focused undergraduate committee.
Sure, Ackerman’s got the firmest handle on puns with his “who doesn’t want more Benjamins?,” and Fergusson and Lei think slogans trivialize the important issues at stake in this campaign. But to the voters, we ask this: would you vote for someone who couldn’t think of five words that rhyme with “book” (Ackerman)? Would you vote for someone who wouldn’t tell you (in this case, Rumpus) if he was single (Lei)? Would you vote for Grant Fergusson? To these questions, we say no. Yale deserves better. Also, under normal circumstances, we wouldn’t support Han, who is lactose intolerant. But he promised orgies—and arguably one doesn’t need whipped cream for a good orgy.
This is one of the most hotly contested, divisive elections for UOC chair Yale has ever seen, and York Street is red with campaign bunting and the blood of lesser candidates. Angry rallies have thrown undecided voters into the pit in Bienecke Plaza. President Levin has begged pitchfork-wielding, leather-and-human-teeth-clad throngs of E&EB majors for peace. It’s time to end the horror. This campus needs to heal; only one person can chair a UOC. Rumpus thinks only one thing can bring rival UOC-Chair-factions back together: a universal orgy, campus-wide.
The time for peace is now. Vote Han; vote orgies; vote peace.
And if you don’t—just vote, okay? Brian, Ben, Grant and Zenas deserve a campus that pretends it cares—they’ve worked really hard, we promise.
The Editors-in-Chief of Rumpus would like to apologize for a hookup bingo square that said “Low income, first generation college student” in our 50 Most Beautiful People issue. We were referencing an op-ed article in the Yale Daily News, but our commentary was out of context in the issue. It was not tasteful and we’re sorry to those we offended.
It’s society season! Some juniors woke up today to society letters sealed with wax. If you got one without wax, that society sucks. The letters often contain cryptic acronyms so Rumpus is here to help decipher all of their secrets:
W.S.T.S.B.N.O.E.W.U.: We Started This Society Because No One Else Wanted Us
G.H.W.B.W.A.M.: George HW Bush Was A Member
G.N.A.H.U.: Get Naked And Hook Up
W.D.B.Y.S.S.J.: We’re Dry But You Should Still Join
J.C.I.O.T.: Just Chilling In Our Tomb
W.O.S.O.: Worshipping Our Satanic Overlords
W.D.C.: We Do Cocaine
Also, here’s the actual list of the societies according to our Secret Society issue last year:
Senior Societies: Skull and Bones, Scroll and Key, Wolf’s Head, Berzelius, Book and Snake, Looking Glass, Ceres Athena, Spade and Grave, Manuscript, Aurelian, Elihu, Nathan Hale, St. Elmo’s, Boar, Red Mask, Desmos, Myth and Sword, ISO, LC, Bar, Ox, Sphinx, Torch, Whiskey and Coke, Cage and Feather, Wips, Fork and Knife, B&C, DSG, Leviathan, Double Cuff, Gryphon, Pundits, Nine Ball, YPSRT/Sage and Chalice, Truth and Courage, Mace and Chain, Ink and Needle
Junior Societies: Asylum, Boliche, HWT, Syphos, BNT, Spaghetti and Meatballs
As second semester progresses and summer approaches, many Yale students are currently racing to apply for fellowships to support their efforts to study abroad, take on unpaid internships, or pursue independent research. A large amount of these funds are donated by generous alumni of Yale. 2013 marks the first year that the Brent Hathaway Summer Fellowship is offered. The fellowship, according to its online description, “serves to support Yale undergraduates who wish to devote their summers to just saying fuck it and chilling at home.”
Hathaway (PC ’11) graduated from Yale with a degree in American Studies. He currently resides in his parent’s house in Portland, Oregon. While his former classmates are working on Wall Street, in medical school, or volunteering overseas with various NGOs, Hathaway devotes his days to “pretty much chilling.”
“I was coasting through Yale pretty much nonstop until my senior year came around,” Hathaway describes during our interview, which took place in his residence’s basement. “I noticed that, like, all my friends were focusing on their futures, obsessing over interviews and shit. After seeing this, I spent a long time being all, Fuck, dude, what am I going to do in the real world? This troubled me for a while, until I remembered that my parents were, like, totally rich! I could crash with them, just like before.” He pats the armrests of the leopard-skin loveseat he occupies. Crumbs and Cheeto dust explode into the air. “I don’t need the real world!” He tosses a garlic butter crouton to the floor for a nearby jackrabbit named Miike to nibble on and taps a flaming spliff into a nearby New Orleans Saints mug half-filled with crusty Folger’s. Hathaway rejects your reality and substitutes his own. Bold and brave.
Almost a year after graduating and not changing his lifestyle, sedentary days filled with Playstation, Volcano vaporizers, and allgirlmassage.com subscriptions began to bore Hathaway.
“I slowly realized that all my senior friends who were freaking out about jobs and shit actually cared about jobs because they needed money. I had the luxury of being carefree because of my dad’s vast financial resources, but not all Yalies can actually afford to not give a fuck. Well, I wanted to give someone the opportunity to not give a fuck for an entire summer.” Thus the Brent Hathaway Summer Fellowship was born.
Hathaway relies on a simple system to determine who the single recipient of his sponsored fellowship is: the award goes to whoever would be judged as the worst applicant for a more traditional award. The lucky Yale student this year was sophomore Carl Duncan (TD ’15), whose aspirations of just chilling in his parents’ Scottsdale, Arizona, ranch house all summer will be fully subsidized by Hathaway.
Duncan’s application materials were stunning to Hathaway’s eyes. Judging from his cover letter, Duncan had never perused the UCS style guide before. “He sent in an actual ripped off cover of Juggs that was peeling from the bong water spilled on it,” Hathaway remembers. “There were subtle crusts of white as well. On top he wrote in Sharpie, I just want to chill at home. Fuck Bulldogs Across America, yolo.”
Duncan continued to win Hathaway over in the interview the two of them conducted over Skype. “Yeah, Brent was asking me some questions about my classes and extracurriculars and shit,” Duncan utters off in between bites of a shwarma roll that is continually dripping onto his common room futon. “But I don’t really remember. The whole time I kept flipping back to ChatRoulette. I was talking to this group of black guys who were a Slipknot tribute band.” Duncan’s utter lack of respect or professionalism warmed Hathaway’s heart.
Hathaway thoroughly Facebook-stalked all fellowship applicants. Duncan’s favorite quotes: “I tend to think of myself as a one-man wolf pack.” (Zach Galifianakis) and “I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they’ve always worked for me.” (Hunter S. Thompson), as well as “LET’S GET WEIRD.” (Adam DeVine). His Likes include In-N-Out Burger, smoking weed, Kenny Fucking Powers, The Big Lebowski, and “I’m On a Boat.” His profile picture shows him wearing a denim vest and cowboy hat while clutching the leggings-clad ass of a girl placing her right index finger between her teeth. From all this, Hathaway was sure that Duncan was his man; this guy had very little to contribute to society, and he deserved a platform from which to completely avoid contributing.
When asked for what three things he is most excited about when his all-expenses-paid summer begins, Duncan rattled off, with a distant glint in his eyes, “Tripping as many balls as possible, macking on some high school girls, and making every day like a day in a corn maze.” The unique vision of an undergrad can now be brought to life by the altruism of a Yale grad. The perfect illustration of “giving back.”
In the climactic scene of Magnolia, William H. Macy sobs, “I don’t know where to put things, you know… I really do have love to give. I just don’t know where to put it!” Well, it’s safe to say that Brent Hathaway does not have that problem.